Interview with Aurette

I have recently taken part in a pairing of bloggers and here are my questions for Aurette, fellow adoptee, my partner and her answers.
Her blog is at   http://aurettebowes.wordpress.com.  She has recently published a book about her experiences and this has been well received.
Thank you Aurette for you  answers and for your perseptive questions for me, which appear on her blog at the above link.
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2010/03/interview-project-march-2010.html. will show you the pairings and links.


How has being an adoptee affected your attitudes and view of life?
I look at the world through different eyes. Truthfully, sometimes I am envious of people who are biologically and emotionally connected to their families. My children are the only two people in the world who are connected to me this way and I cherish them. I have little understanding for people who sever relations with their family because I believe that no matter what they have done to you, you can choose to forgive them. I know what it means to be betrayed, but I know that it is always possible to choose to forgive. What’s more, God can turn any evil situation into good, provided you allow Him to by submitting your life to His will.

What advice do you give adoptees in their journey?
Do not nurture bitterness, resentment and unforgiving attitude towards those who you feel have wronged you – it will destroy you rather than them. Although you were not in control of the decisions that were made about you when you were given up for adoption, chances are that the people who made them truly believed that they were making the best decision at the time. You cannot change the past; forgive and let it go. Sometimes people don’t make the right decision, but then they have to allow God to help them make the decision right.
Secondly, don’t ever believe that you are a mistake. God does not make mistakes. We were all created for a purpose. Trust in God and you will find that purpose. I know this because I did.

How do you view secrecy in adoption?
I am totally opposed to it. If any secret is about you, then you have a right to know first, before anybody else. The truth always comes out in the end, and if this doesn’t happen in the correct manner, then it almost always involves pain. Relationships are damaged, trust is broken and sometimes the damage done is irreparable. Truth and openness from the outset can prevent all this.

Do you believe you have now 'found' yourself?
Yes and no. While many questions were answered at the reunion with my birth mother, others were raised, specifically pertaining to my birth father. I know very little about him and at the request of my children (who don’t want me to go through the same pain as I did while searching for my birth mother) I have not searched for him. Consequently, I feel there is still a piece of my life puzzle missing. But I have decided to leave this issue in God’s hands. If and when the time is right, He will open this door for me.

Do you think your adoption issues affect your daughter?
I think so. At one stage she said that if she were to have a crisis pregnancy she would never give up her child for adoption because she has seen the pain it caused me. She is totally opposed to abortion (as am I) and said she would “make a plan and do whatever it takes” to keep her child. I must add that my depression had a far greater effect on her than my adoption. Because I was living in a fog for so long (seven years) and only managed to do the bare minimum for my family, she felt neglected, which eventually resulted in anger towards me. Fortunately, I perceived that there was something more behind her acting out than just a teen going through puberty and I spoke to her about it. Tearfully, she explained how she felt when her friends talked about the things their moms did with them, while all I used to do was cry or lie on my bed and sleep. “You were never there for me,” she said. “I can only remember Dad.” But she also realised that my depression was not my fault – it was related to my adoption, so consequently she felt guilty about talking about it. This admission cut me to the core. I apologised for the hurt I caused her (albeit it unintentionally) and assured her that I work very hard every day not to go back to that “dark hole”. Since then our relationship has improved considerably.

What advice would you give for the depressed on how to effectively deal with depression?
Firstly, educate yourself. Read, read and read some more. Especially on taking anti-depressants. There is so much misinformation out there, and sadly, some doctors prescribe anti-depressants without telling their patients how to properly use them. I believe medication is essential, but it must be taken in consultation with a qualified psychiatrist. Additionally, counselling is a must, preferably with a psychologist or qualified counselor. Then you need a good support system – family and friends who understand that you cannot “just snap out of it”, even though you wish more than anything that you could. Finally, and for me the most important, is faith. I was raised a Christian and were it not for this strong foundation, my refuge and anchor in the really dark times, my healing would undoubtedly have taken much longer and would not have been as comprehensive.

Is a well put together blog a good way to publise a new book?
It certainly is a quick, easy and effective way of creating and maintaining awareness. The Internet is a great marketing tool and enables you to reach people all over the world which you would not ordinarily be able to do.

How did the attitudes in your country affect your adoption?
I was adopted in an era when secrecy was not discouraged. At the time, the authorities believed this was the best way to protect the interests of the child, especially because illegitimacy was so stigmatised. Fortunately, in time they realised that this was creating more emotional and psychological harm than good for adoptees and in 1987 the Children’s Act on adoptee birth records was changed and all adoptees now have access to their records.

Have you found positives in your own adoption?
Most definitely. I believe God had a hand in placing me with my parents. The circumstances surrounding my adoption are a little too coincidental for there not to have been intervention from a Higher Power. I write about this in my book. Additionally, I want to use the talent for writing which God has given me to help other adoptees like me. The aim of my book is to tell them, “This is what helped me deal with the intense pain surrounding my adoption. If it worked for me, there is no reason why it cannot work for you, but it’s up to you decide whether you want to follow the same healing path.”

Do you have favourite ways of helping yourself feel better in bad times?
I retreat to the Bible. It is my safe place. I have favourite scriptures which I read or recite to remind me that God will never reject or abandon me. He is always there, whenever I need Him to help me deal with whatever issue I encounter. I don’t even have to worry about explaining my problems to Him because He understands them better than I do and knows the cause and how to resolve it. Thus I have learned to be wholly dependent on Him – and it works! I am a much spiritually stronger person now than I was before my journey began.

What is your favourite place to be?
In the bush, surrounded by God’s creation. The tranquility and beauty calms me and I feel close to God. An added bonus is if my family is with me. I love it when I can spend time with my husband and children.

Thank you to Heather at http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/ for organising the pairings.